While dating and contemplating the formula for finding the right life partner, documentarian Brandon Gross relied on two life-long experts, turning the camera on his beloved grandparents. After all, what better source for hands-on advice on the subject of everlasting love and commitment than his grandparents, who had been married for 65 years? Along with his co-director Skyler Gross, Brandon set out to interview his grandparents and, in the process, inadvertently put a spotlight on what would become his family’s greatest revelation: That his cherished Nani and Popi kept a secret their entire lives together and that their relationship was far more complicated than anyone realized.
“On My Way Out: The Secret Life of Nani And Popi” is a must-see film in which Popi reveals that he is gay.
Nani and Popi were born in Europe, met before the war and reunited in the aftermath of surviving the horrors of the Holocaust. They married, emigrated to Los Angeles and had two daughters. To the outside world, Nani and Popi embodied the American Dream. Popi always knew he was gay and says he was born into a world that didn’t understand human nature. Nani found out by mistake when she called a bathhouse he was supposedly visiting but was told he hadn’t been there that day. When she confronted him, he told her the truth. Their decision to hide the secret and continue their life together stemmed from their staunch and cherished belief that marriage is for life. No wonder their grandson looked towards them for their secret, and in doing so, uncovered a far deeper one.
As altruistic as the “married for life” sentiment may sound, there is an underlying theme of lack of choice, which Popi articulates to his grandson, stating that his options were to either commit suicide or live in a closet. “I decided to live,” he says. This is a sentiment often echoed by Holocaust survivors, and the irony of surviving a concentration camp and still not living freely is not lost on the audience.
The pure magic of this film is the portrayal of a deep and beautiful relationship that is perhaps flawed, but real and devoted. Nani gave Popi the space to be himself within the confines of societal pressures at the time, and he remained committed to their closely knit family. There is nothing phony in finding out that this marriage is not what it seemed; in fact, there is something even more compelling in discovering that their commitment to each other was life-long despite a difficult and complicated reality.
Never talking about their secret was part of the deal that Nani and Popi made, but secrets weigh heavily and take their toll. At 95, Popi feels the need to unburden himself and live an authentic life to its fullest. “For 90 years I was in pain and still am. Why should I take it to my grave?” Popi is open and forthcoming on his way out of both the closet and the material world and has come to terms with his sexuality, humanity, and true-self. Nani remains closed, having kept the secret she was hoping she’d take to her grave. Nani has dementia, which is perhaps a saving grace for her as the audience senses that she would never have agreed to discuss the secret otherwise. In one scene, she denies admitting to her daughter that Popi is gay.
Although the revelation rocks and upends everything the family knew as true and real, the acceptance and support they provide to Nani and Popi are unconditional and profound. While Popi may not have been lucky enough to be born into a generation that is accepting of his sexuality and identity, he experiences the openness and recognition across generations within his own family, allowing him to exit this world with honesty and dignity.
This film provides an intimate and powerful birds-eye view into the most private of marriages, without a shred of voyeuristic or prurient intent. Empathetically breaking stereotypes, the film makes us realize that we all have secrets and Popi’s need to unburden himself is instinctive and life affirming. Grandchildren often look at their grandparents as heroes who spoil, adore, and admire them unconditionally without any of the rules and judgments inherent in parenting. Brandon’s pursuit of his grandparents’ secret to a successful marriage and life partnership stems from his admiration of their commitment and longevity. Admirably, when he inadvertently uncovers an utterly unexpected secret, he and his family do not stand in judgment, wringing their hands and declaring that it was all a lie. Instead, they rally to support both Nani and Popi with grace. “On My Way Out: The Secret Life of Nani And Popi,” is a short but extremely powerful lesson in unconditional love, generational support, acceptance, and empathy.